The Other Half of Me
by rocca12
Summary: Michael lost everyone he ever loved. Or at least he thought so, until one terrible night when he ended up cornered in the alley and realised he was played. MIKITA ANGST! (My favourite kind)
1. Chapter 1

_I was blessed with totally free weekend and even awful weather says to me: Update your fanfics! So ...I decided to do so. But…. Obviously in the process, inspired by yesterdays outstanding episode I decided to start another one. Promise it won't be long and I will try to update regularly._

_(Update of Near Wild Heaven is on its way though.)_

_So…. It takes place after Michael gets his new hand, Sean doesn't die. Amanda's games are obviously on. The rest you will learn reading the fic._

_Enjoy! :D_

_I still don't own anything._

* * *

**Prologue:** "Are you True?"

He was going to die today.

Michael jumped behind the car parked near the dumpster breathing heavily with effort. He was still holding his gun in a firm grasp though the magazine was empty.

An old Chevy was a mere protection from the hail of bullets. He heard the metal cracking under the fire of automatic guns. It won't hold for much longer.

Michael looked around. There was no way out. They were closing in on him and he was heavily outnumbered.

" Birkoff" he tapped his ear piece. "I was caught in an ambush. I need back up. "

"Alex and Sean are 10 minutes away. Hold on there buddy." Michael heard anxious voice.

"Copy that." Michael tried to sound confident but he knew that 10 minutes is long. Too long.

He took out extra bullets from underneath his Kevlar. The backup amo he kept only for desperate situations. His hand was steady while he was filling the clip but shallow breaths were the ones that betrayed his anxiety. He closed the magazine with a click and released the safety lock.

4 bullets won't be enough to stop them. But maybe they will buy him those precious 10 minutes.

That was a reckless idea to go here on his own. But what else could he do? They were out of the Personel, Sean and Alex were busy tracking Lauren Gordon- one of the 10 rogue Division agents they still needed to catch.

It was only him Birkkoff and Ryan in the Ops when the Intel popped out. Human trafficking group they were observing, was planning a big drop in the docks of New Jersey. That was one and only opportunity to stop them and Michael didn't intend to fail.

Only thing he didn't expect is that they will show up in full force. 20 men against one was a tough nut to crack.

He didn't regret it though. He had no reason to live anymore so what is a better way to die than while fighting for a good cause?

He clenched his hand on a gun recalling the day everything had ended.

Or at least he thought it would end. He though he was not able to breath anymore and yet he was waking up every single day disappointed with the picture of world still spinning.

His strength was his curse. He knew he can survive many things, but he never thought he could bear this much. Watching all the people he loved going away while he was still here.

Elisabeth. Hayley. Nikita. Images of them all unraveled in his head.

"Peace of the ones who passed doesn't soothe the pain of those who were left behind. " Michael knew that too well from his own experience.

Five months of despair and longing. 14 years of guilt. And now, finally it will all end. He sighed, took a deep breath and raised from behind the Chevy.

He was going to die today. But not without a fight.

With unnatural speed of trained assassin he fired all the bullets one after another burying them in enemies' bodies until they managed to pull the trigger. A moment of silence filled the alley. Michael turned around to get away from there when he felt bullet missing his ear just inches away and saw it sank into the wall in front of him. Pieces of bring spattering around.

Michael turned around immediately and saw almost 2 meters tall guy with a black pony tail. Michael glanced at his useless gun and swallowed. Time was over. Alex and Sean still 6 minutes away.

Smile of triumph appeared on the mobster's scarried face.

Michael felt a glimpse of regret that this will be the last image of his life. He watched him pull a trigger and waited for the unavoidable. Seconds were passing slowly, he heard every beat of his heart which was still desperate to pump the blood through his veins.

At this moment he thought of Nikita. About their last happy moment together. About her smile, and eyes flickering with passion.

He saw fat guy's gun fired, but he didn't feel the bullet. Did he miss? Or is he in that much of pain that even bullet can't do more harm?

It turned out he missed. Michael watched with shock his enemy's eyes frozen with pain and his body hit the pavement. Michael gasped seeing a knife buried in the middle of his back.

He looked around hectically and noticed hooded figure across the street. Whoever that was, had to be well trained to throw knifes like that. Definitely not a mobster. But that made him only more dangerous. Not thinking twice, Michael took dead man's gun and pointed it at the intruder eying him carefully. Though he was standing in the dimmed light of a lantern and was wearing a big hooded sweater , Michael could tell he is quite tiny. Almost female tiny.

Hooded person twitched seeing he is at the gunpoint. Michael cocked the gun ready to fire.

„No! Stop!" he heard a voice which seemed to be a delusion. The voice which he was about to never hear again because it belonged to….

Figure took off the hood and raised hands in gesture of peace.

"Don't shoot." Nikita gasped.

Michael froze, his eyes wide as he stared at her. He blinked but she was still there. Alive and well.

For the last 5 months he saw her face only in his dreams and yet she was here, standing only few feet away. He couldn't be mistaken. It was _his _Nikita. Only few pounds thinner and with shorter hair. She was wearing a black oversize hoodie and grey pants. He tried to read something from her face but she refused to look at him.

Suddenly he reminded himself of all the things he dreamt to say to her if he only had a chance. He opened his mouth but all words failed him as he felt his heart stutter in his chest.

He desperately needed to hear an explanation. A good one.

But all he got was quiet yet clear "I'm sorry" before she disappeared behind a corner. Again.

* * *

_And? Any thoughts/suggestions?_


	2. Truth, Bitter Truth

**"Truth, bitter Truth."**

* * *

_She dialed the number with trembling fingers. Long waiting signal gave her glimpse of hope he won't pick up. Small part of her didn't want to have that conversation. _

"_Yeah?"_

_Nikita's heart stuttered in her chest, lips pulled up in a smile hearing his deep, masculine voice. "I'm on my way, heading to the highway exit." She said. _

"_Good, I'm waiting there, on a parking lot. See you in five. " _

_Nikita felt panic hearing he wants to end their conversation. It's too soon. There were still things that needed to be said. _

"_Michael? " _

"_Yes?" _

"_I was thinking about our wedding….." She stalled for a moment trying to find proper words. She was picking them carefully, trying to swallow the lump that was rising in her throat. " What would you say on Eagle's Landing playing for us?"_

_Nikita could hear Michael's surprise. He cleared his throat and said: "Am….well I thought you prefer more classical pieces but...whatever you wish."_

_Nikita bit her lip to hold back the emotion. Clenching her fingers on a steering wheel she was praying that he will remember her exact words and when time comes, he will understand what really had happened. _

_He sensed her anxiety perfectly. Keeping a secret from Michael was never easy. " Is there anything else you want to tell me?"_

"_No. " she said swallowing tears. "I'm going off the highway right now, see you in a bit." _

_Weeks later when Michael was recalling that conversation over and over again, he was certain that there was something in her voice. Warning against the tragedy that was in the air. But back then he failed to notice it and he simply pressed the red button ending their last conversation ever._

* * *

"Are you sure it was her?" Birkoff was drumming his fingers on the table. His gaze drifted from one friend to another stopping at Michael. He seemed to be somewhere else with his mind, staring blankly ahead.

Computer Tech sighed, turning his gaze to the couple sitting on the stairs. Sean playing with Alex's fingers while she was trying to hold back the tears.

They had been there as well. Arrived only couple of minutes after Nikita's _alleged_ appearance. Alleged, because there was absolutely no prove that she had been there except of pale and shattered Michael.

When Birkoff was certain, he won't get any answer, he heard Michael's firm voice.

"Positive." His eyes didn't waver from the glass in the distance.

Birkoff sighed and automatically glanced at the screen. "I still have nothing. No facial recognition, none of her aliases popped out during last 5 months." He paused before the hardest part. " There is no physical evidence that she was in the alley that night."

Michael's head snapped up and he gave Birkoff murderous look.

"Even it was really her…" Computer Tech was selecting his words carefully. "If she doesn't want to be found… I'm afraid there isn't much that we can do."

"Keep looking. We know her habits, we know how she operates, something will pop out eventually."

Michael's voice was drained from emotion but his eyes full of pain. Old wounds were open again.

"And when it does?" Birkoff eyed his friend with concerned glare." What will you do then?"

"I will ask her why did she leave like that."

"Have you considered that answer might be worse than your imagination?"

Michael's voice trembled, his face twitched into a wince. "It can't be."

Alex gasped seeing his expression, so familiar to what they had seen months before.

They were air for each other. With Nikita gone Michael had become a ghost of a man, withdrawn and silent. Horribly emotionless.

She was gone. Just like everyone he ever loved. Died in front of his eyes, same way his family did, years ago. Things like that change a man forever.

And then, nearly 5 months later she surfaces again? That sounded like one of Amanda's tricks to mess with their heads. Alex had tried to point that mildly to Michael but he was adamant. " I know what I saw" he had been answering every time, deaf to all their arguments. Irritated by their concern and once again close to the edge he has been when she had died.

"Michael… "Alex stood up and approached him. " I'm sure there is an explanation. " She gently placed her hand on Michael's shoulder. "Nikita we know,-"

"That's the point Alex" Michael turned his head to meet her eyes. His body still rigid, grimace of pain flickering across his face. "What if we don't know her anymore?"

* * *

"What's on your mind?"

Sean sat on the edge of the bed, watching Alex lost in thoughts, rubbing cream in her hands.

She jerked surprised hearing his voice. She looked at him with pensive glare and ghost of a smile came across her face.

Sean stayed silent waiting for an answer. He knew it's never easy with Alex. She had rarely shared her feeling with him. Her walls were not easy to break, but with some patience and right attitude, he felt they are making a progress. He never knew if she answers or just ignores his questions. He had learnt not to push her. He just wanted her to know he is there for her.

" Have you considered the possibility that it was really her?" she answered with a question.

Sean rubbed the back of his neck. He had considered it but it just didn't make sense. "I think we should move on. Michael should move on. Now he is just clutching at straws, willing to believe in anything just not the fact that she is gone."

Alex raised an eyebrow in response. "That's very gentle way to say, he is going crazy."

Sean's features were serious. " According to everything he had been through, I'm surprised he didn't already."

Alex sighed closing the cream jar and she put it on the night stand. She flicked her long hair back.

"But I wouldn't worry about him." Sean continued. " He is stronger than any of us." He closed in to Alex and put his hand on hers in his well-known protective style. Alex smiled vaguely nodding, trying to convince herself that everything will end well. She pursed her lips as her gaze drifted to the window. There was still so much she wasn't ready to share with him. She knew the only way to reduce this distance between them is to come clean, reveal all of the secrets. But what if the secrets are not only hers?

" I need to go for a run to clear my head." She freed her hand from Sean's grip and stood up.

"Ok, I will wait in bed."

Alex felt tingling in her stomach seeing his warm smile. He was a perfect relief for her damaged soul. Always dependable and caring.

She put on her jogging clothes and tied her hair up in a bun. Once outside she felt familiar scent of a humid and heavy air which was a sign of coming storm.

Alex heard distant thunders, cold wind was blowing through her hair as she was jogging to the park. She was following her usual route, keeping a steady pace until she had to stop to catch a breath.

She bowed down, resting hands on her knees, inhaling the cold air.

She noticed a shadow next to her but didn't need to raise her head to know who that person is.

"What happened?" She heard a voice.

"You tell me. Michael saw you in the alley. What the hell were you doing there?"

* * *

_Please review! _


	3. At the bottom of Everything

That was a loong wait :D

For the record, I don't want you to get confused, Nikita didn't kill the President in my story, but obviously Amanda had something to do with her sudden dissapearance.

Enjoy and please leave a comment!

* * *

**Part III: "At the Bottom of Everything."**

Dull grey clouds were covering the sky above the city, making it and almost as dark as at night. Rain was hammering down, ferociously hitting the pavement, splashing dust and sand all around.

Feeling drops of water rolling down her forehead and cheeks Nikita wiped her face with a sleeve.

Her meeting with Alex was brief and tense. They had split up just before the first rain drops started to fall.

"_He will find you" _she heard Alex's voice_. "He won't stop un__til he does."_

Her blouse was soaking wet, tightly wrapping her body. Strands of clamped hair had freed themselves from the hood on her head and stuck to her face.

Tightening her sweater Nikita glanced down at the pavement which now looked more like a fast flowing stream of water. Tomorrow morning, when the sun will come up again, there will be no trace of the dirt that had been collecting here for long days. Nikita pursed her lips. If only rain could wash off all the guilt and pain she was feeling right now.

"_I can't keep lying to him, you should have seen him Nikita, he is acting like a lunatic." _

_Nikita bit her lip trying to make guilt go away. Rubbing her forehead with concern, she spoke "It's going to end soon."_

"_I've heard that too many times before, Nikita."_

_She turned her gaze away, stopping it on the heavily clouded sky. _

_Truth is, she didn't see an end. Truth is, she feared that she had miscalculated her abilities and probably will have to accept failure. But not without a fight. "Few more weeks, that's all. I Promise." _

_Alex gave her a pensive glare. "I will cover for you but be careful. You know Michael. With his determination, you might not have those few weeks."_

Nikita opened the door to her motel room and slid inside.

Once the had door slipped shut, dingy motel room returned to complete darkness. Weak light streaming in under the curtains was the only source of light here. Nikita carefully locked the door and switched the lights on. Putting the keys and her gun on the table beside the door, she scanned the room. Everything was just as she left it.

She coughed couple of times as usually, trying to get used to the never ending smell of mould and dust. She clenched her teeth. She hated this place. One double bed with only one tousled side, single wooden chair and a table with her laptop and single lamp standing on it. Flaking off wallpaper which ,as she was guessing, was green at the time of it's greatness. She hated that she was stuck here for long days with only one thought: will she ever see Michael again? Will he ever forgive her? And most of all she hated loneliness. It dangerously reminded her of the time when she was a teenager. When she was lost and completely alone without a soul to hold on to. That made her go off the wagon back then, and now she close to the edge again.

What was different this time, she made the decision herself, completely aware of its consequences. It was reasonable, but heart hates reasonable. She regretted this decision with every beat of her heart.

Nikita threw off the soaking wet clothes, wrapped her hair in a towel and sat by the computer. With hands hovering above the keyboard she was staring at the blank screen. Complete blankness in her head , heart pounding in her chest as the operating system was starting.

Panic was not a pleasant neither welcome feeling. But she couldn't deny that everything was falling apart. The moment she decided to step in, was a beginning of an end. Even though she saved his life back there, allowing him to see her and all forthcoming consequences will be deadly as well.

Truth is, not only a bad luck decided that Michael saw her that night. She _wanted _him to see her. Part of her wanted to throw it all to hell and just touch him again. Feel his warmth. Go back home. Selfish part of her.

Nikita rubbed her eyes trying to focus. She can't give up. Not now. Not when her only hope lied in Alex and her ability to keep Michael out of this for a little bit longer. Nikita started typing.

* * *

Alex felt sick. Blankly staring at her still full plate, she tried not to listen to the conversation between the men at the table. Despite her efforts, words were drilling into her brain like daggers.

Alex never thought that secret can be such a heavy burden. Crushing her more and more every day it was sucking all the strength out of her. Unable to share it with anyone, not even Sean, she felt helpless and devastated. Her guts were clenched, head full of chaotic thoughts.

A change in tone of conversation brought her rapidly back from deep thoughts. Her head snapped at Sean, who had a question engraved on his concerned face.

Her eyes widened as she stared at him, trying to guess what was it about.

"Are you ok, babe?" Sean asked again.

" Yeah, I'm fine." She stuttered.

Lying to his face was next to the list of things that made her sick. Unable to stand his concerned look, Alex stabbed her chicken with a fork and took a bit into her mouth. It tasted like paper. She forced herself to swallow it and quickly followed it by a glass of water. When she put the glass back on the table she realized Sean is still staring at her with frowned face. He clearly tried to figure out her weird behavior. Alex averted her gaze, and her eyes drifted to the other person at the table.

Michael was looking terribly when he came to their loft few hours ago, muttering something about a solid lead on Nikita. They didn't have a heart to tell him, there is a less than mere chance for it to be the right lead. He was so switched on, any dose of realism would break him.

When Alex thought it can't get any worse, Sean decided to invite Michael for a dinner. His proposal was spontaneous but it didn't cause the effect he had expected. Sean was standing between Alex and Michael, eyes shifting from one to another, trying to decide which of them is acting more strange. Confused Michael with stone and pale face or Alex who looked like she wanted to throw up. He couldn't understand his girlfriend's frozen face and stiff moves. He couldn't understand why she was suddenly sad whenever Michael appeared around them. He couldn't understand it because he knew nothing about her being a part of a scheme which was about to be fateful for all of them.

Her last hopes died when Michael reluctantly nodded his head yes at Sean's proposal. Alex feeling like whole universe is falling on her shoulders clenched her teeth and putting on a fake smile set another plate on the table.

Right now Michael wasn't confused. He had exact same face whenever he stumbled onto something. A lead which needs to be followed. Under his penetrating glance she felt almost naked.

Alex fidgeted on the chair nervously and quickly , maybe a little bit too quickly to call it natural, disappeared in the kitchen muttering something about dirty dishes.

Once she was alone in a cold and silent kitchen Alex put down the plates on the table and let out a sigh. She felt drained and exhausted.

She opened the faucet and let the water run freely to the sink. Stabilizing her breath, she started to put all the dishes into the sink.

Hearing a noise behind her, Alex looked back over her shoulder finding Michael leaning his back against the wall, staring at her. Alex held his gaze for a while and returned to washing the dishes.

"What is going on? " She heard his voice. It was different. Strong and with a hint of anger.

Michael was not a fool. He suspected something; she had no doubt about that.

Alex clenched her teeth and focused on scraping off mummified potatoes from the plate she was holding. Michael was not a person you can freely lie to. Hoping he would let it go wasn't a good tactic but right now, best she could think of. She put the plate to the dish dryer and grabbed a bowl.

"Are you using again?" Michael fired.

"What?!" Alex's head snapped up at him, her face winced with anger and surprise. She didn't expect that. Embarrassed by her sudden outburst, Alex quickly schooled her features and sighed. " No, Michael. I'm not high, don't worry." She mumbled quietly.

"Then what is it?" Michael insisted. He pushed himself off the doorframe and sat by the table. His arms on the table, eyes fixed on her waiting for an answer.

Alex saw he is not intending to let go. She put down the bowl, took a towel and wiped her hands with it. If she doesn't give him something he will keep digging and she can't let that happen.

"I'm sick watching you clutching at straws Michael. Every time you stumble onto something, you are so driven by it that you don't think rationally. It destroys you." Alex leaned her back against a counter. She hated herself for what she was going to say but there was no other choice than to shatter all his hopes. "You are my friend and I think…. I think you should move on. You should let her go. "

Uncomfortable silence was hanging above them as Michael was grasping the meaning of her words. He had never considered letting go. Not when he thought Nikita is dead and definitely not now, when he is sure she is out there, somewhere.

"I will never move on. "His voice was stern and clear. Michael leaned back in his wooden chair crossing his hands over his chest. " Why would you say something like that? You are her friend too"

Alex swallowed feeling, another dagger of guilt sink in her heart. She ignored that question and got back to the dishes.

Michael watched his friend as she was nervously trying to avoid this conversation. He could tell there had been something odd in her behavior. Not only today, it had been lasting a while now. It was not much, just details. Little tremble of her lips when she had smiled to him, Fast and shallow breaths in seemingly normal conversation. Michael registered all those signs unknowingly. He was good at reading people. High percentage of Division's recruits were relapsing to drugs and there wasn't a better person at detecting that than Michael. The more someone is trying to hide, the stranger his behavior gets.

He was eyeing her up and down trying to figure out this odd behavior. He had been fearing she might have relapsed, it was a tough time for them all and Alex seemed to take it all the hardest way. Yet her reaction was very genuine. It couldn't have been drugs. But if not that, what else could make her so edgy?

Truth hit him like a baseball stick and took his breath away. His guts clenched and he sucked in a deep breath, forcing himself to let it out slowly in a strangled whisper. "You knew."


End file.
